Author Alfie Kohn cites recent research that "conditional parenting" -- i.e., rewarding children with praise for desirable behavior and/or punishing them for undesirable behavior -- is counterproductive. Using a system of punishment and rewards does not promote moral development; instead, it increases negative feelings toward parents/teachers and promotes unhealthy emotions in a child, like anxiety, guilt, and shame.
Instead, parents/teachers should practice unconditional acceptance accompanied by "autonomy support": explaining reasons for requests, maximizing opportunities for the child to participate in making decisions, being encouraging without manipulating, and actively imagining how things look from the child’s point of view.
Kohn states, "Most of us would protest that of course we love our children without any strings attached. But what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children — whether they feel just as loved when they mess up or fall short."
Read the full article at the New York Times.
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