Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives; to create connection, we need the courage to do things that make us feel vulnerable.
Shame is the fear of disconnection: "Is there something about me that, if other people know it, that I won't be worthy of connection?" The feeling "I'm not good enough" underpins this shame.
Shame motivates many negative behaviors:
1. We numb our emotions. When we numb ourselves from shame, grief, and disappointment, we also numb joy, gratitude, happiness.
2. We blame others to discharge pain and discomfort.
3. We seek perfection. We orphan the parts of ourselves that don't fit with our ideal, leaving just the critic.
Focusing on our behavior (guilt) has a positive influence while focusing on ourselves (shame) has a negative one. So when we do something regrettable, we should think "I did something bad" rather than "I am bad."
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