Being Known

You know, I think people look at - I think the base of fame is, everybody wants to be known, honestly. And people look at fame as that's, like, the ultimate being known and whoever's famous, man - man, they've got their crap together. But in actuality, if you're known by people who love you and you're known, that's all the knowing you need. And actually, people who are famous and have - have a lot of people know them, that can actually make you less known, personally, because a lot of factors are involved in that.

So it's that sense of, yeah, I might have confidence professionally. Like, I might be more comfortable in front of the camera. I might - since I've had all these experience, I'm a lot more comfortable in kind of the craft of it. But in terms of personal value and personal growth and personal confidence, that's a whole other game. That's whole other - just, you know, just a journey of healing in my life or whatever and having friends around me who support me and love me, and me seeing the value in that - the most value in that. I think that's a different game.

- Actor Tony Hale on Fresh Air

Daily Rage: How much does it cost to have a baby?

Nobody knows.

Daily Learn: Adorno

Three Significant Ways Capitalism Corrupts and Degrades Us
1. Leisure time becomes toxic - Free time should be an opportunity to develop ourselves and to acquire the tools to change society. But in the modern world, leisure has devolved into the "culture industry," designed to keep us distracted, unable to understand ourselves, and without the will to alter our political reality.

2. Capitalism doesn't sell us the things we really need - Our real wants are carefully shielded from us by capitalist industry so that we end up forgetting what we truly need and settle instead for desires manufactured for us by corporations without any true interest in our welfare. Though we think we live in a world of plenty, what we really require to thrive - tenderness, understanding, calm, community - are disconnected from the present economy.

3. There are proto-fascists everywhere.

The primary obstacles to social progress are cultural and psychological rather than narrowly political or economic.

The May 26 Mark

*Read a news article about a foreign country every day.
*Sign up to volunteer for something.
*Talk to a family member.
*Try to make Jess laugh.

Previously:
* No caffeine and chocolate after 3 pm.
* No screens after 10 pm.
* Spend 30 minutes outside everyday.
* Stop saying "good job" to my daughter. Use more specific praise instead.
* Use smile.amazon.com when ordering off of Amazon.
* Have a conversation with a friend or family member every week.
* Read a book just for pleasure.
* Be more forgiving of myself and others.
* Say "Thank you" more and "I'm sorry" less.
* Laugh more.
* Try to understand other people's thinking, especially if they disagree with my own.
* Create something.
* Fail. Try to laugh it off afterwards.
* Spend an hour everyday being present with my wife and daughter.
* Brush and floss my teeth every night before bed.
* Try something out of my comfort zone.

Nine Ways to Bring Joy

1. Get enough sleep.
2. Schedule stillness.
3. Move your body.
4. Connect with nature.
5. Strengthen your relationships.
6. Get in the zone.
7. Play more.
8. Be of service.
9. Express yourself.

From Psychcentral.

Oakland Warriors

Parenting: The Rules for Making Rules

1. Make rules clear and consistent. If you're inconsistent about applying a rule, your child will be confused whether it's really a rule.

2. Give the reason for the rule. Children who hear reasons for rules are able to make the connection between the rule and the misbehavior" "I shouldn't do that because (whatever reason you gave)." Over time, this thought process allows your child to incorporate the rule into her own set of values, consider other applications for the rule, and eventually comply with the rule even when no one is looking. Children who don't hear reasons for rules tend to draw one conclusion: "I shouldn't do that because I'll get in trouble."

3. Help kids follow your rules. Prompt a child before an event where a rule usually gets broken. "What's our rule about begging for toys at the store? And what will happen if you break our rule?" Notice the absence of bad behavior and praise it. At the first hint of an infraction, repeat the prompt. "What do you need to be doing right now?" If these fail, calmly go to your chosen consequence. "You know the rule. We're leaving the store now. I'm hopeful that next time you'll make a different choice."

4. Set rules together. Set a time to talk, frame the problem, and encourage input on aspects where you can be flexible. Then, state the rule that you've agreed to.

From Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science (and What I"ve Learned So Far) by Tracy Cutchlow

Parenting: be firm and kind

Researcher Diana Baumrind of UC Berkeley found that an "authoritative" parenting style produces kids who are more self-reliant, self-confident, socially competent and less anxious and depressed.

Parenting Styles
1. Authoritarian - Parents are firm but not warm. Children tend to be well behaved but have less developed self regulation and moral reasoning skills because they are guided by external forces (i.e., the threat of punishment) rather than internal principles.
2. Authoritative - Parents are firm and warm, involved and responsive, with high expectations.
3. Permissive - Parents are warm but not firm. Children tend to have high self-esteem but are also more impulsive, more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol, and more likely to get into trouble at school.
4. Uninvolved - Parents are neither firm nor warm. Children are most likely to be delinquent.

Aim to be authoritative. Just remember, being authoritarian takes more time, effort, and patience. And defiant children may need more of an authoritarian style, whereas fearful children may need more of a permissive parenting style.

From Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science (and What I"ve Learned So Far) by Tracy Cutchlow

Things I've Liked This Month

Seeing the baby river otters at the Oakland Zoo
Reading The Day Louis Got Eaten by John Fardell
Making a tin can banjo at the Spring Situation in Berkeley
Playing chicken shit bingo at the Little Longhorn Saloon in Austin
Playing with Adi in a giant cardboard box filled with packing peanuts

Pixar's Storytelling Rules

#4: Once upon a time there was ___. Every day, ___. One day ___. Because of that, ___. Because of that, ___. Until finally ___.

#9: When you’re stuck, make a list of what WOULDN’T happen next. Lots of times the material to get you unstuck will show up.

#19: Coincidences to get characters into trouble are great; coincidences to get them out of it are cheating.

See the full list here.

Civilization and Climate

Three Quotes on Privilege

"Privilege is when you think something is not a problem because it is not a problem to you personally." -- Unattributed
"Privilege is least apparent to those who have it." -- Clarence Page
"When you're accustomed to privilege, equality feels like oppression." -- Unattributed

A Radical View of Power

According to NYU professor Steven Lukes, power is the capacity to bring about consequences. In a social context, there are 3 faces or dimensions of power:

1 Overt Power is the power to make decisions during conflict.

2) Covert Power is the power to control the agenda, by deciding to ignore or deflect existing grievances. It is the power to transform potential challenges about inequitable outcomes into non-decisions. This is maintained by a ‘mobilization of bias” – a dominant set of beliefs, values, and institutional processes and procedures that privilege some groups in relation to others.

3) Ideological power is the power to shape desires and beliefs, making people want things opposed to their own self-interest and thereby averting open conflict and grievances. It is the power to transform inequities into non-issues. It can be at work despite apparent consensus between the powerful and the powerless.

The Alienation of Capitalist Work

Marx is best known for his two unsparing critiques of capitalism: capitalism is essentially alienating and exploitative.

Capitalism is alienating in 3 specific ways:

1. Workers are alienated from other human beings.
Workers must compete with each other for jobs and raises. But competition between workers brings down wages. This is not only materially damaging to workers, it estranges them from each other.

2. Workers are alienated from the products of their labor.
Capitalists need not do any labor themselves – simply by owning the means of production, they control the profit of the firm they own, and are enriched by it. But they can only make profit by selling commodities, which are entirely produced by workers. Thus, the products of the worker’s labor strengthen the capitalists, whose interests are opposed to that of the proletariat. Workers do this as laborers, but also as consumers: Whenever laborers buy commodities from capitalists, that also strengthens the position of the capitalists.

3. Workers are alienated from the act of labor.
Because capitalists own the firms that employ workers, it is they, not the workers, who decide what commodities are made, how they are made, and in what working conditions they are made. As a result, work is often dreary, repetitive, and even dangerous. Enduring this for an extended period of time means that one can only look for fulfillment outside of one’s work; while “the activity of working, which is potentially the source of human self-definition and human freedom, is … degraded to a necessity for staying alive.” As Marx says, "In his work, therefore, he [the laborer] does not affirm himself but denies himself, does not feel content but unhappy, does not develop freely his physical and mental energy but mortifies his body and ruins his mind. The worker therefore only feels himself outside of work, and in his work feels outside himself. He is at home when he is not working, and when he is working he is not at home.

Source: Karl Marx's Concept of Alienation

The role that ideas play in shaping us as human beings

"We design human nature by designing the institutions within which people live and work."

How to practice emotional first aid

"Education is the not the filling of a bucket but the lighting of a fire."

Parenting with Finesse

1. React to "shockers" with semi-interested boredom. When children announce something to which you feel an instant reaction in your gut take a deep breath, smile calmly, and say, "Really? Tell me more."

2. Act as if there is all the time in the world, even when there isn't.

3. Notice the little details and acknowledge them.

4. Show humility. Apologize when you're wrong, say "I don't know" when you don't know.

Source

Ten Things Great Parents Do

1. Do what you say you are going to do.

Don't make rules you can't enforce consistently and keep your commitments. Kids need to know that you mean what you say; this builds trust and respect.

2. Catch kids being good, and tell them specifically what you liked.

3. Harness the power of natural consequences.

4. Practice positive touch (e.g., hugs, loving pats, cuddles)

5. Make a clear distinction between kids and their behavior.

Always communicate with your words and actions that you love them no matter what, even if you don't like their behavior.

6. Show them the way.

Punishment only suppresses behavior. Tell kids the behavior you want to see and then praise it specifically.

7. Beware over-functioning for your kids.

Making mistakes and experiencing failure and disappointment are essential life experiences that provide the opportunity for kids to learn and practice good coping skills.

8. Avoid disciplining kids when they are hungry or tired.

9. Teach kids the 3 P's: practice, patience, and perseverance.

10. Help kids learn to feel their feelings and choose their actions.

Coach kids in how to respond (versus react). It's okay to feel whatever they're feeling, but it may not be okay to follow their feelings into action (e.g., hitting, yelling).

Source: Erica Reischer, PhD

Key Sociological Concepts

Accommodation: acceptance of their relative positions in a social situation by both the minority and dominant groups.

Acculturation: acceptance of dominant group's values by minority-group members.

Alienation: feelings of powerlessness, meaninglessness, and social isolation associated with certain social relationships.

Ascribed Status: a social position that is assigned to persons by society or by birth, such as age, sex, or race.

Assimilation: the process by which an entire culture is altered in important respects so as to conform to a dominant culture. Gradual loss of distinctiveness of minority groups absorbed into dominant population. The process by which minority groups are absorbed into dominant population. The process by which minority groups acquire the sociocultural patterns of the dominant group, which involves both cultural assimilation--the learning of day to day norms of a dominant group by minority group members and their internationalization of the dominant group's values, beliefs and ideas.

Cultural Pluralism: a pattern of ethnic group relations in which each ethnic group retains its fundamental values and norms incorporated from elements from the others.

Ethnocentrism: the attitude that one's own culture is superior to others, that one's own beliefs, values, and behavior are more correct than others; and that other people and cultures can be evaluated in terms of one's own culture. A tendency to understand the world only from the viewpoint of one's own culture.

Folkways: norms generally regarded as useful, but not essential for society; violation of these norms may bring about only mild censure or punishment.

Identity: a commitment to normative standards that allow observers to place us in relation to others and to expect certain behaviors from us.

Laws: norms formally chosen to be backed up by punishments for failure to conform to them, with particular social agencies designated to do the enforcing.

Mores: norms generally regarded as essential for the welfare of society and associated with strong feelings of right or wrong, violations of which inspire intense reaction and some type of punishment.

Norm: rules or expectations defining acceptable or required behaviors of individuals in social situations; norms are recognized by group members as essential to group maintenance.

Paternalistic Relationships (patriarchy): relationships in which one group (male-dominated) is subservient to another, given little responsibility, and has its basic needs provided for.

Power: the ability to achieve desired ends despite opposition. Ability to get others to do something that they wouldn't ordinarily do.

Social Control: attempts by society to regulate thoughts behaviors of individuals.

Social Movement: an organized effort to encourage or oppose some dimension of change.

Stigma: a powerful negative label that radically changes a person's self concept and social identity.

Symbol: anything that carries a particular meaning recognized by people who share culture.

Values: culturally defined standards of desirability, goodness, and beauty that serve as broad guidelines for social life.

From https://www.sonoma.edu/users/l/leeder/pages/concepts.htm

Racism without Racists Chapter 3: The Style of Color Blindness

How to talk nasty about minorities without sounding racist...

1. Calling blacks "nigger" softly: racism without racial epithets

When people of color were property or regarded as secondary human beings, there was no reason to be concerned in talking about them. The Civil Rights era shattered norms about public discussions on race. Public discussions are careful, indirect, hesitant, and occasionally in coded language.

2. Using a rhetorical maze

Semantic moves used by whites include apparent denials ("I don't believe that, but..." or "I am not prejudiced, but...")

3. Projection: "They are the racist ones..."

4. Diminutives: "It makes me a little angry..."

Few whites say, "I am against affirmative action" or "I am against interracial marriage"; instead, they say something such as "I am just a little bit against affirmative action" or "I am just a bit concerned about the welfare of the children."

5. Rhetorical Incoherence: "I, I, I don't mean, you know, but..."

Racism without Racists Chapter 2: The Central Frames of Color Blind Racism

The ideology of color blind racism engages in blaming the victim in an indirect "now you see it, now you don't" style.

The central component is its frames, or set paths for interpreting information. They explain racial phenomena following a predictable route. They misrepresent the world (hide the fact of dominance) but often are founded on some truth.

Classic European liberalism is defined by individualism, universalism, egalitarianism, and meliorism (the idea that people and institutions can be improved). It was the philosophy of a nascent, aspiring ruling class in early modern capitalism: the bourgeoisie, the middle-class owners of property. The bourgeois goals were only extended to the populace in the middle 20th century, and it was never extended to the countries that European powers used for raw materials and workers.

This liberal tradition informed the racist policies of the United States: slavery, the relocation of Native Americans to reservations, the utilization of Mexicans and various Asian groups as contract laborers, and Jim Crow.

Even though disenfranchised groups used liberal rhetoric to advance social and legal reforms (e.g., Civil Rights Movement, National Organization for Women), the central elements of liberalism have been re-articulated to rationalize racially unfair situations in America today.

There are four central frames of color blind racism:
1. Abstract liberalism uses ideas associated with political liberalism (e.g., equal opportunity) and economic liberalism (e.g, individual choice) to explain racial matters.
2. Naturalization explains away racial phenomena by suggesting they are natural occurrences, such as "segregation is natural because all backgrounds gravitate toward likeness."
3. Cultural racism explains the standing of minorities in society using culturally based arguments, such as "Mexicans do not put much emphasis on education."
4. Minimization of racism suggests discrimination is no longer a central factor affecting minorities' life chances.

By framing race-related issues in the language of liberalism, whites appear reasonable opposing all practical approaches to dealing with de facto racial inequality.

Things I've Liked This Week

* Listening to Ashok Kondabolu on the Sporkful podcast.
* Watching interviews of Jill Soloway, Rachel Bloom, and Sara Bareilles on HuffPo Conversations (on Hulu).
* Playing basketball at the playground across the street.
* Going to the Richmond Plunge with Adi on a 90 degree day.
* Watching Brian Copeland perform The Waiting Period at The Marsh in SF (for free!).
* Watching the game winning shot in the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship.
* Eating Misr Wat Jess made from this recipe.
* Going to the Berkley Marina for free compost and stumbling upon South Asian families flying kites and local kids LARPing with fantastic cosplay.
* Reading the Op-ed piece When Whites Just Don't Get It, Part 6 by Nicholas Kristof and falling down the hyperlink rabbit hole.
* Andrew Reiner's call to (softer) arms: Bros, it's time to push back against conventional male stereotypes.

Sound Relationship Advice

1. "Turn toward" the people we care about when they make "bids for attention."

For example, you might tell your spouse, or another person you care about, "I learned something really cool today." You hope that he or she will "turn toward" you by replying with something like, "Oh? Tell me about it," as opposed to shutting you down: "Can't you see I'm busy?!!!"

2. Politely turn down bids for attention.

Demonstrate interest in what the people you care about have to say, but make clear the practical limits on your time and attention.

3. "Maintain your bearing" in stressful negative situations. In other words, don't freak out.

4. It's okay to screw up... as long as you make amends or apologize afterwards.

5. Appreciate the people we care about out loud.

6. Do not treat the people we care about with contempt.

Source

Racism without Racists Chapter 1

"There is a strange kind of enigma associated with the problem of racism. No one, or almost no one, wishes to see themselves as racist; still, racism persists, real and tenacious."
—Albert Memmi, Racism


"Color blind racism" -- the rationalization of contemporary racial inequalities by whites to keep racial minorities at "the bottom of the well" (e.g., dark skinned racial minorities have about an eighth of the net worth whites have).

Contemporary racial inequality is perpetuated by new racism practices that are subtle and institutional (e.g., "smiling face discrimination.")

Whites view racism as prejudice; people of color view racism as systemic or institutionalized.

Race is a social construction but it has a social reality.

"Racial structure" is the totality of the social relations and practices that reinforce white privilege. It exists to benefit members of the dominant race.

"Racial ideology" is the framework used by actors to explain and justify (dominant race) or challenge (subordinate race) the racial status quo.

The strength of an ideology lies in its loose-jointed, flexible application -- it allows for contradictions, exceptions, and new information. Ideology is a political instrument, not an exercise in personal logic.

Caveats:
1. Whites are the dominant race but are fractured along class, gender, sexual orientation, and other forms of social cleavage. They have multiple and often contradictory interests.
2. Not every single white person defends the racial status quo but most do.

The goal of this book is to uncover the collective practices that help reinforce the contemporary racial order.

Setting Limits with Children

Children need structure in their lives -- without limits, they may be anxious, unpleasant, and a danger to themselves and others. Children feel more secure and successful when they can operate within known boundaries and routines.

The goal is to teach children to solve problems, make choices, learn to live with the consequences of their choices, and achieve desired behaviors.


Tips:
* Plan the day and tell children what activities will be offered and how they are expected to behave.
* Set a good example.
* Be clear and straightforward. Avoid over-explaining.
* Keep rules simple.
* Limit the amount of rules.
* Stick with the situation at hand.
* Offer specific choices.
* Pick your battles - you do not need to react to everything!
* Offer time-out, divert, and redirect as needed.
* Do not over react.
* Do not act in anger. Wait until you settle down before you settle on a consequence.
* Use phrases that reflect consequences.
* Follow through on your consequences.
* Use positive statements for positive actions.
* Distinguish feelings from behavior. It is okay to be mad, it is not okay to hurt someone.
* Try not to compare children.
* Always focus on the behavior, not on the person.

Specific Situations:
* Public places: Weigh your options and decide what you want to accomplish. Is it more important for you to stick to your rules or to get something done?
* Special events: Adjust activities to attention spans, prepare for transitions, and keep children occupied.

Adapted from a Bananas handout.

A Conversation with Asians on Race

10 Questions You Should Ask Your Doctor

1. What is the test for?
2. How many times have you done this procedure?
3. When will I get the results?
4. Why do I need this treatment?
5. Are there any alternatives?
6. What are the possible complications?
7. Which hospital is best for my needs?
8. ow do you spell the name of that drug?
9. Are there any side effects?
10. Will this medicine interact with medicines that I'm already taking?

From The 10 Questions You Should Know. September 2012. Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, Rockville, MD. http://www.ahrq.gov/patients-consumers/patient-involvement/ask-your-doctor/10questions.htmla

The April 2 Mark

Personal goals for 4/2/16 - 4/9/16
1. Break a sweat.
2. Be more outgoing. Try to meet new people.
3. Find a local cause to support.

Previously:
1. Drink more water.
2. No caffeine and chocolate after 3 pm.
3. No screens after 10 pm.
4. Spend 30 minutes outside everyday.
5. Stop saying "good job" to my daughter. Use more specific praise instead.
6. Use smile.amazon.com when ordering off of Amazon.
7. Have a conversation with a friend or family member every week.
8. Read a book just for pleasure.
9. Be more forgiving of myself and others.
10. Say "Thank you" more and "I'm sorry" less.
11. Laugh more.
12. Try to understand other people's thinking, especially if they disagree with my own.
13. Create something.
14. Fail. Try to laugh it off afterwards.
15. Spend an hour everyday being present with my wife and daughter.
16. Brush and floss my teeth every night before bed.
17. Go for a walk.
18. Try something out of my comfort zone.
19. No electronics between 10 pm - 7 AM every day.

Things I've Liked this Week

* Savory soy milk (shan dou jiang) recipe on The Woks of Life
* Watching "Finding Vivian Maier" on Netflix
* Making a Flying Captain America Shield for Naveen's 2nd birthday.
* Building two 4x4 raised beds with trellises for vertical gardening using the Square Foot Gardening book.
* Finding out that Jon Stewart has a farm and animal sanctuary in my hometown of Middletown, NJ.
* Using the Duolingo app to learn espanol.

The March 23 Mark

Personal goals for 3/9/16 - 3/16/16
1. Continue reading The Making of Asian America by Erika Lee.
2. Continue building a raised garden bed.
3. No electronics between 10 pm - 7 AM every day.
4. Keep track of my budget using the YNAB app.
5. Look into setting up a Will, Living Will on the GYST website.

Previously:
1. Drink more water.
2. No caffeine and chocolate after 3 pm.
3. No screens after 10 pm.
4. Spend 30 minutes outside everyday.
5. Stop saying "good job" to my daughter. Use more specific praise instead.
6. Spend 30 minutes every day looking for a job.
7. Use smile.amazon.com when ordering off of Amazon.
8. Have a conversation with a friend or family member every week.
9. Read a book just for pleasure.
10. Be more forgiving of myself and others.
11. Say "Thank you" more and "I'm sorry" less.
12. Laugh more.
13. Try to understand other people's thinking, especially if they disagree with my own.
14. Create something.
15. Fail. Try to laugh it off afterwards.
16. Spend an hour everyday being present with my wife and daughter.
17. Brush and floss my teeth every night before bed.
18. Research FDA approved devices for snoring.
19. Go for a walk.
20. Try something out of my comfort zone.

Things I've Liked this Week

* Watching Embrace of the Serpent in the movie theaters and The Barkley Marathons on Netflix
* Freeing up space on my cellphone by backing up photos onto Google Photos
* Meeting a financial planner
* Playing with Adi at El Cerrito Co-op Messy Art Day
* Using the Duolingo iOS app to learn Spanish
* Playing a game of Jenga with Adi and Jess

Dialogic Reading for Preschoolers

From Reading Rockets:

When most adults share a book with a preschooler, they read and the child listens. In dialogic reading, the adult helps the child become the teller of the story.

The fundamental reading technique in dialogic reading is the PEER sequence. The adult:

Prompts the child to say something about the book,
Evaluates the child's response,
Expands the child's response by rephrasing and adding information to it, and
Repeats the prompt to make sure the child has learned from the expansion.

Imagine that the parent and the child are looking at the page of a book that has a picture of a fire engine on it. The parent says, "What is this?" (the prompt) while pointing to the fire truck. The child says, truck, and the parent follows with "That's right (the evaluation); it's a red fire truck (the expansion); can you say fire truck?" (the repetition).

Except for the first reading of a book to children, PEER sequences should occur on nearly every page. Sometimes you can read the written words on the page and then prompt the child to say something. For many books, you should do less and less reading of the written words in the book each time you read it.

How to prompt a child

There are five types of prompts that are used in dialogic reading to begin PEER sequences. You can remember these prompts with the word CROWD.

* Completion prompts: You leave a blank at the end of a sentence and get the child to fill it in. These are typically used in books with rhyme or books with repetitive phases.
* Recall prompts: These are questions about what happened in a book a child has already read. Recall prompts work for nearly everything except alphabet books. Recall prompts can be used not only at the end of a book, but also at the beginning of a book when a child has been read that book before.
* Open-ended prompts: These prompts focus on the pictures in books. They work best for books that have rich, detailed illustrations. For example, while looking at a page in a book that the child is familiar with, you might say, "Tell me what's happening in this picture." Open-ended prompts help children increase their expressive fluency and attend to detail.
* Wh prompts: These prompts usually begin with what, where, when, why, and how questions.
* Distancing prompts: These ask children to relate the pictures or words in the book they are reading to experiences outside the book. For example, while looking at a book with a picture of animals on a farm, you might say something like, "Remember when we went to the animal park last week. Which of these animals did we see there?" Distancing prompts help children form a bridge between books and the real world, as well as helping with verbal fluency, conversational abilities, and narrative skills.

Children will enjoy dialogic reading more than traditional reading as long as you mix-up your prompts with straight reading, vary what you do from reading to reading, and follow the child's interest. Keep it light. Don't push children with more prompts than they can handle happily. Keep it fun.

Dr. Brene Brown Says...

Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives; to create connection, we need the courage to do things that make us feel vulnerable.

Shame is the fear of disconnection: "Is there something about me that, if other people know it, that I won't be worthy of connection?" The feeling "I'm not good enough" underpins this shame.

Shame motivates many negative behaviors:
1. We numb our emotions. When we numb ourselves from shame, grief, and disappointment, we also numb joy, gratitude, happiness.
2. We blame others to discharge pain and discomfort.
3. We seek perfection. We orphan the parts of ourselves that don't fit with our ideal, leaving just the critic.

Focusing on our behavior (guilt) has a positive influence while focusing on ourselves (shame) has a negative one. So when we do something regrettable, we should think "I did something bad" rather than "I am bad."

The Man in the Arena

"It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he's in the arena, at best, he wins, and at worst, he loses, but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly."

- Theodore Roosevelt

The March 16 Mark

Personal goals for 3/9/16 - 3/16/16
1. Go for a walk.
2. Try something out of my comfort zone.
3. Build a raised garden bed (repeat).

Previously:
1. Drink more water.
2. No caffeine and chocolate after 3 pm.
3. No screens after 10 pm.
4. Spend 30 minutes outside everyday.
5. Stop saying "good job" to my daughter. Use more specific praise instead.
6. Spend 30 minutes every day looking for a job.
7. Use smile.amazon.com when ordering off of Amazon.
8. Have a conversation with a friend or family member every week.
9. Read a book just for pleasure.
10. Be more forgiving of yourself and others.
11. Say "Thank you" more and "I'm sorry" less.
12. Laugh more.
13. Try to understand other people's thinking, especially if they disagree with your own.
14. Create something.
15. Fail. Try to laugh it off afterwards.
16. Spend an hour everyday being present with my wife and daughter.
17. Brush and floss my teeth every night before bed.
18. Research FDA approved devices for snoring.
19. Read The Making of Asian America by Erika Lee.

Things I've Liked this Week

* Family fun day at the Jewish Contemporary Museum
* Ultimate chocolate chip cookie and chocolate cream pie recipes in the Cook's Illustrated cookbook
* Watching The Tale of the Princess Kaguya
* Celebrating Pi day at a friend's house and the Exploratorium

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

- Margaret Mead

Ten Lessons the Arts Teach

by Elliot Eisner

1. The arts teach children to make good judgments about qualitative relationships. Unlike much of the curriculum in which correct answers and rules prevail, in the arts, it is judgment rather than rules that prevail.

2. The arts teach children that problems can have more than one solution and that questions can have more than one answer.

3. The arts celebrate multiple perspectives. One of their large lessons is that there are many ways to see and interpret the world.

4. The arts teach children that in complex forms of problem solving purposes are seldom fixed, but change with circumstance and opportunity. Learning in the arts requires the ability and a willingness to surrender to the unanticipated possibilities of the work as it unfolds.

5. The arts make vivid the fact that neither words in their literal form nor numbers exhaust what we can know. Th e limits of our language do not defi ne the limits of our cognition.

6. The arts teach students that small differences can have large effects. The arts tra ffic in subtleties.

7. The arts teach students to think through and within a material. All art forms employ some means through which images become real.

8. The arts help children lean to say what cannot be said. When children are invited to disclose what a work of art helps them feel, they must reach into their poetic capacities to find the words that will do the job.

9. The arts enable us to have experience we can have from no other source and through such experience to discover the range and variety of what we are capable of feeling.

10. The arts' position in the school curriculum symbolizes to the young what adults believe
is important.

Ten Habits of Mind

1. Make room for creativity.

2. Encourage questions.

* Knowledge: "What do you know about...?"
* Process: "I noticed that you are..."
* Reflection: "Tell me more about..." or "How did you...?"

3. Listen actively.

4. Be curious.

5. See mistakes as gifts.

* "What can we do to change this outcome" or "How could you do this next time to have it turn out differently?
* Look at mistakes as oppoortunities for growth rather than indications of failure.

6. Embrace a good mess.

7. Accept boredom as a tool for self-discovery.

* The first few moments of boredom may feel uncomfortable or seem never-ending, but as we push through them, we have to face our ideas, passions, interests, and curiosity.
* Children need unstructured time to follow their curiosity: to imagine, build, experiment, and explore.

8. Step back and enjoy the flow.

* People are happiest when they're deeply absorbed in an activity.

9. Spend time outdoors.

* "When I go into the garden with a spade and dig a bed, I feel such an exhilaration and health that I discover that I have been defrauding myself all this time in letting others do for me what I should have done with my own hands." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

10. Think of everything as an experiment.

Via Tinkerlab

The Scientist

"The scientist is not a person who gives the right answers, he's one who asks the right questions."
- Claude Levi-Strauss

"All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The March 9 Mark

Personal goals for 3/9/16 - 3/16/16
1. Spend an hour everyday being present with my wife and daughter.
2. Build a raised garden bed.
3. Brush and floss my teeth every night before bed.
4. Research FDA approved devices for snoring.
5. Read The Making of Asian America by Erika Lee.

Previously:
1. Drink more water.
2. No caffeine and chocolate after 3 pm.
3. No screens after 10 pm.
4. Spend 30 minutes outside everyday.
5. Stop saying "good job" to my daughter. Use more specific praise instead.
6. Spend 30 minutes every day looking for a job.
7. Use smile.amazon.com when ordering off of Amazon.
8. Have a conversation with a friend or family member every week.
9. Read a book just for pleasure.
10. Be more forgiving of yourself and others.
11. Say "Thank you" more and "I'm sorry" less.
12. Laugh more.
13. Try to understand other people's thinking, especially if they disagree with your own.
14. Create something.
15. Fail. Try to laugh it off afterwards.

Things I've Liked This Week

* Spending time with Jess' family in Florida
* A homemade coloring book Shan made for Adi
* Listening to "A Man Alive" by Thao & The Get Down Stay Down
* Watching the Democratic debate between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders
* Spotting several California slender salamanders in our backyard and Portuguese man-of-war on a Florida beach

Got Freedom?

"Those who do not move do not notice their chains."
- Rosa Luxemburg

The March 2 Mark

Personal goals for 3/2/16 - 3/9/16
1. Try to understand other people's thinking, especially if they disagree with your own.
2. Create something.
3. Fail. Even better, fail spectacularly. Try to laugh it off afterwards.

Previously:
1. Drink more water.
2. No caffeine and chocolate after 3 pm.
3. No screens after 10 pm.
4. Spend 30 minutes outside everyday.
5. Stop saying "good job" to my daughter. Use more specific praise instead.
6. Spend 30 minutes every day looking for a job.
7. Use smile.amazon.com when ordering off of Amazon.
8. Have a conversation with a friend or family member every week.
9. Read a book just for pleasure.
10. Be more forgiving of yourself and others.
11. Say "Thank you" more and "I'm sorry" less.
12. Laugh more.

Things I've Liked This Week

* Cooked, the Michael Pollan series on Netflix
* The Matt Taibbi article about Donald Trump.
* "No One Like You" by Al Green
* Preschool activity ideas on kidsactivitiesblog.com
* The unbelievable game between the Golden State Warriors and Oklahoma City Thunder on Saturday

Trumpocalypse

I bet there are 100 billionaires out there who are thinking they could have been the presumptive Republican nominee had they simply started spreading hateful vitriol 10 months ago...And a 1000 political pundits plotting how they can replicate Trump's success in the next election cycle. Who will come AFTER Trump?

The February 26 Mark

Personal goals for 2/26/16 - 3/4/16
1. Be more forgiving of yourself and others.
2. Say "Thank you" more and "I'm sorry" less.
3. Laugh more.

Previously:
1. Drink more water.
2. No caffeine and chocolate after 3 pm.
3. No screens after 10 pm.
4. Spend 30 minutes outside everyday.
5. Stop saying "good job" to my daughter. Use more specific praise instead.
6. Spend 30 minutes every day looking for a job.
7. Use smile.amazon.com when ordering off of Amazon.
8. Have a conversation with a friend or family member every week.
9. Read a book just for pleasure.

Ten Tips for Raising a Happy Child

1. Express gratitude every day.
2. Spend one-on-one time with your child.
3. Create opportunities for your child to help other children.
4. Ask your children to come up with their own solutions to their problems.
5. Make sure your children know your love for them is not contingent on their performance or achievement.
6. Identify daily stress points.
7. Encourage competency. Let your child do whatever he is capable of doing for himself.
8. Self-confidence is a learned behavior. Teach your child to be aware of her inner voice and to identify thoughts that help or hinder self-esteem. Give her examples of reassuring thoughts she can use to replace critical ones.
9. Model perseverance.
10. Talk with your children about uncomfortable subjects. When you communicate your feelings about difficult subjects, you share your values.

Via kidsinthehouse.com

Things I've Enjoyed This Week

* Exploring ponds and trees with Jess and Adi at Tilden Regional Park
* Listening to the Sporkful podcast
* Nick Paumgarten's profile of Mr. Money Mustache in the New Yorker
* Annie Tan's thoughtful essay on the Peter Liang case.
* Saga by Brian K. Vaughan
* The picture book Marilyn's Monster by Michelle Knudsen

The Joy of Strength

Adapted from MMM:

Strength is at the root of most joy and weakness is at the root of most unhappiness in a person's life.

Here are a few of life’s most powerful sources of strength and weakness:

* Money is the most acknowledged source of strength in modern society, for it gives you the power to get other people to serve you, and to do so with a smile.

* An Abundance of Money is even more powerful.

* The Desire for Ever-Increasing Material Luxury is a serious weakness. You can never satisfy Luxury – there is always another level of fanciness to attain, and thus he can never have quite enough money.

* Giving is a form of strength. When you say, “I have more than I need, and thus my desire to take should fade away as my desire to help out grows”.

* Taking is therefore a form of weakness.

* Health is a form of strength.

* Physical Strength is the part of health that is mostly ignored in the United States, yet it is the most useful and efficient component.

* Skills are a form of strength. Each thing you learn to do improves your quality of life in astonishing ways, because it makes you stronger. If you are good at your job, you have the ability to earn lots of money. But if this is your only skill, you need to outsource your food preparation, transportation, relationships, entertainment, and the repair and maintenance of everything you own including your own body. If your money supply fails or your hired specialists don’t do their jobs perfectly, your life falters. By insourcing all the basics required for happiness, you build a self-reinforcing resilient mesh of power that makes you happier, wealthier, and more interesting as well.

* Voluntary Discomfort is the secret cornerstone of strength. We build our whole lives around increasing comfort and avoiding discomfort, and yet by doing so we are drinking a can of Weakness Tonic with every morning’s breakfast. Our entire culture teaches us to seek out all possible comforts, and to be unhappy when we don’t have them. And thus, it dooms us to a life of permanent involuntary discomfort, and therefore permanent weakness.

Lifestyle as Medicine

Dr. David Katz, the founding director of the Yale University Prevention Research Center, makes a compelling, evidence-based case that we should all be promoting six healthy habits:

1. Feet - Exercise regularly.
2. Forks - Eat well.
3. Fingers - Don't smoke.
4. Sleep - Get good sleep each night.
5. Stress - Reduce stress.
6. Love - Love and seek pleasure.

Dr. Katz cites this 2009 study in the Archives of Internal Medicine that finds (1) never smoking, (2) having a BMI < 30, (3) performing 3.5 hr/week of physical activity, and (4) adhering to healthy dietary principles (high intake of fruits, vegetables, and whole-grain breads and low meat consumption) results in a 78% lower risk of having a heart attack, stroke, diabetes, or cancer.

Read more here.

Things I've Enjoyed This Week

* Hiking with family and friends at Sunol Regional Wilderness and the Albany Bulb
* Making fun cardboard projects with Adi from The Cardboard Box Book by Danny, Jake, and Niall Walsh
* This series of tweets by Clay Shirky about how social media has made Trump and Sanders possible

The February 19 Mark

Personal goals for the week of 2/19/16 - 2/26/16:
1. Use smile.amazon.com when ordering off of Amazon.
2. Have a conversation with a friend or family member every week.
3. Read a book just for pleasure.

Previously:
1. Drink more water.
2. No caffeine and chocolate after 3 pm.
3. No screens after 10 pm.
4. Spend 30 minutes outside everyday.
5. Stop saying "good job" to my daughter. Use more specific praise instead.
6. Spend 30 minutes every day looking for a job.

Taxes Quotation

"Taxes are what we pay for civilized society." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

Things I've Enjoyed This Week

* The Lunar New Year Celebration on Solano Ave; in particular, the performance "Journey to the West" by Ah-Lan dance.
* Slade House by David Mitchell. "Grief is an amputation, but hope is incurable hemophilia: you bleed and bleed and bleed."
* Listening to Bee Wilson on the 2/4/16 episode of Fresh Air. Quick takeaway: start feeding a baby pureed foods at 4-7 months during her flavor window.
* The Food Lab by J. Kenji-Lopez Alt. He has great explanations for everything. I've always liked roasted potatoes, but this recipe takes it to a whole new level..
* Is This a Phase? Child Development and Parent Strategies, Birth to 6 Years by Helen F. Neville. This is a quick and easy read with great tables and charts. I started and finished it during Adi's nap. I wish I read this book before Adi was two.
* Watching the Golden State Warriors. Has there been a team this good, ever?
* Ellyn Satter's division of responsibility in feeding.

The February 11 Mark

Personal goals for week of 2/11/16 - 2/18/16:

1. Spend 30 minutes outside everyday.
2. Stop saying "good job" to my daughter. Use more specific feedback and praise instead.
3. Spend 30 minutes every day looking for a job.

Previously:
1. Drink more water. ...check.
2. No caffeine and chocolate after 3 pm....Mostly check.
3. No screens after 10 pm. ...Hmm, maybe accomplished this half the time, but I love the results.

Why is it so hard to lose weight?

If weight is simply a result of calories in minus calories out, why is it so difficult for so many people -- including me -- to lose weight? I think Michael Graziano makes a compelling case to view our obesity epidemic differently. Hunger, Graziano posits, is a mood that is difficult to control. Trying to lose weight by dieting is often counterproductive because it causes the hunger mood to rise. Instead, a person should focus on regulating his hunger mood.

As Bee Wilson states in her interview with Terry Gross on Fresh Air,

I think the biggest thing that I learned above and beyond changing my preferences so that I liked vegetables more and liked things like pastries somewhat less was hunger management. I think we don't talk enough about this as a skill because it is something that you can learn to get better at. I used to panic if I felt the mildest rumblings of hunger, whereas now, if I know I've got a good meal coming in a couple of hours, I think, oh, I'm hungry. That's good. I'm going to enjoy the next meal more - more pleasure.

Perhaps the take home message is to tinker with our psychology so that we feel like hunger is actually a good thing because it'll benefit us in both the short and long term.

Things I've Enjoyed This Week

* "No Role Modelz" by J. Cole
* Isa Chandra Moskovitz's Best Pumpkin Muffins recipe
* Porco Rosso directed by Hiyao Miyazaki
* "There Was an Old Dragon Who Swallowed a Knight" by Penny Parker Klostermann
* The HBO miniseries "Olive Kitteridge"
* 30-Minute Tuscan White Bean Soup recipe on Serious Eats
* The Food Lab by J. Kenji Lopez-Alt

Technology Quotation

Technology is a great servant but a terrible master.

How to Teach Your Child to Play Independently

1. Create secure play areas in your home.
2. Set a limited time every day for independent play. Increase the time incrementally.
3. Spend time with your child first – “fill her cup” – and help her get involved with an activity. If necessary, engage in parallel play at first, and graduate to doing work side-by-side.
4. Be okay with your child making a mess.
5. Once she is playing independently, don’t interrupt.
6. Rotate out toys, books, and supplies every month.

The February 4 Mark

Personal goals for the week of 2/4/16-2/11/16:

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. No caffeine and coffee after 3 pm.
3. No screens after 10 pm.

Previously:
N/A.